Living out Philippians 4:13

There are certain scripture texts so familiar to us that we tend to breeze past them, thinking we have received everything they have to offer.  Philippians 4:13 was one of those passages for me, until tonight.  

 I’m sure you have read it and probably even have it memorized:

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

As I casually read through Philippians 4, my eyes slowed down as I approached verse 12: 

“...for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him

 who strengthens me.”  

In the middle of the passage, I began to cry. The words pierced me in a way I wasn’t expecting. I love and hate when this happens.  I hate it because I don’t want other people walking in on such an intimate moment and with two rambuncious boys running around my house, this is bound to happen. At the same time though, I love these piercing moments because when the Word elicits such deep emotion, I know that God is about to reveal more of Himself to me.

 As I worked my way through the text, for the first time, I saw it as the journey of a life.  The times of suffering, the times of peace, the times of abundance, the times of dryness, they were all seasons Paul experienced. This may seem obvious but it was a deeply profound thought for me because as I read, pieces of my own personal journey came into focus.  I remembered the times when I could barely face the day because I couldn’t see my purpose in life.  I recalled times of laughter and lightness.  I saw the grace that didn’t leave me in a perpetual valley but rather brought me out and allowed me to experience times of peace, even abundance. The same Christ who in full divine presence walked with Paul in all the seasons of his life, was also walking with me.  

This scripture is such a testament to how Paul lived his life. His life experiences: the good, the mediocre, the painful, were all lived with the knowledge of Christ's presence.  This is the reason he could write the words: “I can do all thing through him who strengthens me.”  He had seen and experienced Christ in each and every season.  He lived his life within the boundaries of faith and was able to experience the richness of the fellowship that comes from doing life with Christ. 

It's easy to be intimidated by heroes of the faith, people who seemed to have figured out the faith journey.  I never thought of Philippians 4:13 as a practical, day-in and day-out reality in my life.  I saw it mostly as something I aimed to achieve one day.  The truth however is that I am living it. Right now. Every day that I choose to live with the awareness of God's presence, every moment I perceive the graces He is bestowing on me, every time I open my heart to Him and share my struggles, I experience the reality of what His strength supplies. All of these moments and seasons of seeing God revealed are what build the confidence to say, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

As seasons come and go in your life, it is my prayer that you will perceive God’s presence in each season.  That you will be strengthened in Him, knowing that His grace will supply for your every need both in the valleys and mountaintops. I believe that Paul’s contentment sprung from a place of knowing he was found in Christ.  No matter his circumstance, he knew he was not alone.  As you journey on, know that you are not alone in this world. You belong to an ever present God.  

Blessings!

The Clouds that Came {Revisited}

Over a year ago, I wrote a post about my struggle with post-partum depression (PPD).  It was one of my most popular posts, even though when I wrote it, I secretly wished no one would read it. A few weeks ago, I read the post again for the first time after writing it.  I realized that although, it reflected my situation at the time, it failed to tell the whole story.

In many ways, it was only a snapshot in time that could not capture the aspects of my journey that were yet to unfold.  The five week period I covered in the post was truly the single worst period of time in my struggle with PPD.  I wish I could say that the struggle ended there, sadly it did not.  There were many bright days that followed, but many dark ones as well.  Fortunately, the bad days never lasted for long periods of time but there were enough of them that I felt clouds over me for many, many months.

During these months, I realized for the first time that true depression is not something someone can "will" themselves out of.  Sure, there are days when you can think more positively and feel better.  But when the bad days come at you with unabated regularity, you start to lose mental ground.  During a counseling session, my therapist asked me to describe how I was feeling.  I remember telling her that I felt like I was out in open water flailing my arms, trying not to drown.  There were days when I could keep my head above the water but the reality was that I was still surrounded by water. I knew that eventually I would get tired again and the struggle to stay afloat would need to start again.

Despite feeling like I was drowning a lot of the time, I started to make progress.   Slowly, I started to gain ground.  Just when I thought I was in the clear, my family was ravaged by death. In a matter of months, we lost three cousins, all young and with full lives ahead of them.  My grandma also passed away.  Although all the deaths were felt deeply, the death of my cousin Berenice was the most devastating to me.  Loneliness, helplessness, and sadness overwhelmed me with renewed force.  There were days when I was unable to see the purpose of life.  Even now as I write, I am saddened by how sad I was during this time.

As I navigated through the trials of PPD and grief,  I was diligent about going to therapy.  My therapist helped me face myself honestly and gently. I cried at almost every session.  I dealt with aspects of myself, I had neglected.  I discovered things about myself, I didn't know existed. Over time, I noticed that I started going longer stretches without having a dark cloud over me.  My thoughts became clearer.  My perspective broader. The more I talked and cried, the less burdened I became. I started to feel free.  Slowly I regained strength and confidence.

One of the most valuable truths I learned was that emotions have a sort of flow to them.  They come, go, and don't have to be stationary.  Bad days will come but they will also leave.  I began to understand that my current emotional state doesn't have to define me.  Emotions are meant to give me insight into my thought world.  They help me understand what I believe about myself and others.  I saw how talking helps to nudge emotions into motion again.  It is in the silence of our inner world where emotions get stuck and cause us pain.

It's been about 9 months since the depression completely lifted.   From start to finish, it lasted about 10 months.    My main course of treatment was bi-weekly therapy sessions.  Mostly because of pride, I chose not to take medication.  Looking back, I think it's possible the depression may have abated sooner if I would have taken medication along with attending my therapy sessions.  I did try making some lifestyle changes with my diet, sleep, and exercise routine.  Unfortunately, I never felt I did it consistently enough for it to make a difference.

Experiencing PPD was incredibly difficult, but the journey I took to find healing has allowed me to live my life differently.  I now take pause every day to thank God  for the joy that I feel in my heart.  I live more honestly about how I feel. I am free of the emotions that were holding me in bondage such as fear, guilt, and shame.  I am more compassionate toward others and their emotional struggles.  I am more present in relationships.   I am better about taking care of myself without feeling guilty about it. The extent of blessing that has come from going into the dark places of my heart and finding healing is humbling.  It is transforming my family in ways I only dreamed.  I am deeply grateful that God uses all things for good, even depression.

If you are reading this post and are struggling with depression, take heart.  You are not alone.  The Lord is mindful of your heartache and has already made provision for your deliverance.  Reach out to someone, preferably a trained counselor.   As hard as it may seem to you, expose your pain.  It is in facing your pain that you find freedom.  There were moments in this journey where I felt my pain would undo me. The thought of sharing my hurt with another seemed unbearable. Every time I was courageous enough to expose the hurt, I became more and more free.  You are stronger than your pain.  You belong to a God who can lead you through dark valleys with tenderness, love, and abundant grace.  

Blessings!

Trip to California

I can't believe a week has passed since my last post!  It's been busy around the Larson household.  Last weekend I went to visit my brother, sister-in-law and their newest little sweetie, Grace.  It was fun to hang out with them and enjoy loving on their new baby.  She is absolutely adorable!

This was the first trip that I took by myself with just one of the kids.  The plane rides were super busy.  Zach wanted to move around everywhere! Thankfully, on all the flights we were on, God sent wonderful people to play with and entertain Zach.  They were all grandmas that were missing their grandkids apparently.  I can't tell you how thankful I was for them.  It made a world of difference.  

Zach was very clingy the entire time we were in California.  Every time I would leave the room, even to go to the bathroom, he would cry.  This is very unlike him!  When we got back home he returned to his old self.  I think he missed his brother and daddy.  Matthew was very happy to have us back home as well.  He told me that he was going to be super nice to his little brother.  "Mommy, I will not bite Zach or push him or kick him.  I will be so nice to him!"  

The day after we returned from our trip, I got food poisoning.  Not sure what I ate but I was throwing up most of the night and was very weak the next day.  Today when I woke up, I felt great and had tons of energy!  I'm looking forward to the weekend and enjoying some much needed family time.  

Blessings!

Day 5 of Allergy Free Meals

I made it a whole week cooking meals free of soy, dairy, eggs, peanuts, and legumes!  Overall, I think it was a positive experience.  Zach enjoyed some of the meals but due to his age, he's not super into variety.  He tried everything I cooked which was a plus.  I will just have to make sure to continue offering him different types of foods so when he starts to diversify his tastes, he'll be ready to partake more fully of what I prepare.

Breakfast today was a bit of a failure.  I attempted to make vegan strawberry yogurt.  The recipe I used was pretty basic.  Only three ingredients.  The process started out well enough...

Soy Free Vegan Strawberry Yogurt

When the "yogurt" finished setting, I threw it in the blender with some strawberries.  Once I turned my blender on, I knew this was not going to work out.  I definitely needed a food processor.  Unfortunately,  my food processor stopped functioning a few months ago.  It was very disappointing to be so close to finishing but not having what I needed to get the job done.  Note to self: buy a food processor. 

Lunch was haystacks (a taco salad of sorts).  Ingredients I used were corn tortillas chips, kidney beans, brown rice, spinach, tomatoes, green onions, and vegan sour cream.  A food processor would have also been helpful for the sour cream recipe.  I was desperate to not throw this recipe out as well so I pulled out my coffee grinder and gave it a whirl.  It worked well enough but definitely would have worked better with a food processor.  On the plus side, it tasted great! 

Haystacks with Vegan Sour Cream

Vegan Soy Free Sour Cream

1 cup raw cashews (must not be roasted or salted)--I didn't have a whole cup of cashews so I used almonds and cashews to complete the measurement.

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 -2 teaspoon apple cider vinegar

1 small lemon, juice of

Cover cashews with water and soak for a few hours, or overnight.

Pour off all water, and place nuts in food processor.

Add 1/4 cup cold water, salt, vinegar and lemon juice.

Puree for 3-4 minutes or until completely smooth and creamy in consistency.

Use in any recipe that calls for sour cream.

Refrigerate in an airtight container for up to a week.

For Dinner today, Mike wants to treat me to a meal.  I'm not sure where we will go but I'm excited not to cook!  

Food Budgeting 

To conclude my week of allergy free cooking, I wanted to share with you what I spent on groceries for the week.  Before I bought groceries on Sunday, my fridge was pretty bare.  I did have some staples on hand but not a whole lot.  

I don't know about you but budgeting for groceries is somewhat stressful for me.  My husband has an opinion on how much I should spend which is always lower of what I think is reasonable.  This week I wanted to do some research and find out what other people spend on groceries for the month.  I found a broad range from $250/ month to $1064 to feed a family of four.  Mike and I tend to be middle of the road people so I figured $500 was a reasonable goal for us.  My sweet husband of course thought this was a bit high.  He wasn't convinced with my research.  

A little irritated I dug deeper to find some answers.  I came across a website put out by the USDA on what it costs to feed a family at home. They even divide it into four plans (thrifty plan, low budget plan, moderate plan, and liberal plan).  After looking at the numbers, Mike and I had an interesting conversation and decided to revisit our food budget plan for the month.   We agreed that we would  shoot to stay under $600.  Although this seems a bit high, I think it's reasonable for us since we buy mostly organic, higher quality foods.  

My food bill for the week was $190.55.  I knew it was going to be a bit high because I had to buy some staples I normally don't purchase every week.  I anticipate the rest of the month will even out.  I'm curious what some of you spend on groceries.  What is your monthly/weekly food budget?  How do you save money on food?  

Day 4 of Allergy Free Cooking

I have a problem with making too much food for our little family.  I always have a lot of left overs and end up throwing food away.  Estimating how much our family of four will actually eat at a given meal is something I am slowly starting to figure out.  It's funny because when I have larger groups of people over, I end up underestimating how much food we will eat.  Anyway, I tell you all of this because this morning as I was thinking of what to make for breakfast I realized how many leftovers I had in the fridge.  Instead of making something new to add to my already mounting amounts of food, I decided to use up some leftovers.

For breakfast we enjoyed some breakfast burritos with some of the potato & zucchini filling from earlier in the week.  Add to that a bowl of fresh fruit and breakfast was complete.

Lunch was a vegan vegetable pizza with homemade coconut cheese. It was delightful!  The pizza dough I made does not contain yeast or oil.  It's actually one of my favorites to use.  Preheat oven to 400 degrees.  Place pizza dough with sauce and veggies into oven for 12 minutes. Add cheese and bake for another 3-5 minutes.   For the pizza toppings I used spinach, yellow squash, green peppers, and crumbled coconut cheese.

Vegan Vegetable Pizza with Coconut Cheese

Dinner was Jamba Juice.  I was still full from lunch so I decided on a lighter dinner.  Zach ate some pasta and veggies before we headed out.  At Jamba Juice, Zach and I shared the Orange Carrot Karma.  It's made from fresh carrot juice which gives it an earthy taste.  Zach didn't seem to mind. He loved it!

Stay tuned for my last post of allergy free cooking at the end of the day!  I'll tell you about a new recipe I tried this morning and will share my total food bill for the week.

Blessings!

Day 3 of Allergy Free Cooking

Today ended up being a fairly simple day in regards to cooking.  I think I spent a total of 30 minutes in the kitchen all day.  Even with this small amount of time, I made a super yummy recipe that will probably become a family favorite!  I love when recipes turn out.

I woke up really tired this morning.  My brain wasn't ready to try something really complicated in the food department.  I decided on oatmeal for Breakfast.   I threw in some apples and agave nectar to spice it up a bit.

Oatmeal with Apple Chunks 

After Zach went down for his morning nap, I started on a new recipe for lunch: vegan quesadillas with coconut cheddar cheese.  I have to say I was very excited to try it out.  I first came across this recipe on the blog, Sweet Roots.  This is an amazing food blog that makes you hungry every time you visit it.  Mary is an incredible photographer and talented cook.  I'm privileged to know her and excited to hopefully cook with her one of these days. 

I was surprised at how easy this cheese was to make. Cook time was under 15 minutes.  The cheese needs to set for 2 hours but since I made it right after breakfast, it was ready to go by lunch time.  This cheese was absolutely delicious! It actually melts which is wonderful.   Zach enjoyed it to and didn't have an allergic reaction to the coconut milk.  Big relief!

Vegan Quesadillas with Coconut Cheddar

For Dinner I took the boys to the soup kitchen our church puts on every Wednesday night.  They were celebrating a birthday and we wanted to celebrate the birthday girl!   The menu was mac-n-cheese, bread, green beans, salad, and fruit.  I fed Zach before we left in case there was nothing there for him to eat.  He ended up eating some veggies at the soup kitchen and diving in to grab some cake.  Luckily I caught him before he grabbed a handful of frosting. 

Be sure to check out the Sweet Roots blog for some amazing recipes.  I know I'll be trying more of Mary's wonderful creations soon!

Day 2 of Allergy Free Cooking Creations

Cooking without soy, dairy, eggs, nuts, or legumes is somewhat daunting.  This week I fully committed to making all the meals we eat at home free of these allergenic foods. If you have read my previous posts, my son Zach has multiple food allergies.  My motivation is to make sure he has a variety of healthy food options every day.  He is only 1 year old so he isn't very interested in trying a lot of new foods.  All the meals I share with you this week are offered to him, but if he's not into that particular food, I revert to some of the foods I know he loves.  At this point in his life, I want to expose him to healthy options every day and build my cooking skills so that when he's older, I will feel more competent in cooking free of the foods he's allergic to.  

I am two days into the week and I feel pretty good about the meals I  have cooked.  They are simple but tasty.  I'm amazed at how many options I actually have when I focus on all the foods Zach can eat instead of the ones he's allergic to.  It's possible I may end up enjoying cooking for him after all.  

For breakfast today, I decided to make avocado and tomato toast.  We also enjoyed some fresh pineapple and bananas.  Zach didn't care for the pineapple to much but gobbled up a banana and some toast. 

Avocado & Tomato Toast

This recipe is pretty straight forward.  Simply mash up some avocado, slice some tomato, season with salt and a little pepper.  I used Ezequiel 7 Grain Sprouted Wheat Bread.  Most of the bread you buy at the grocery store contains either milk or soy.  This is the only one I have found, besides brown rice bread, that is free of allergens. 

At around 10:30am, I started to get a little hungry so I decided to make a midmorning snack.  Zach loves smoothies!  A great way to get a rich nutrient boost is through juicing.  Since toddler's tummies are sensitive, I didn't want to give him straight fresh juice, so I juiced apples, spinach, carrots, and an orange and used it as the base for a smoothie. I then added strawberries and a banana (to add fiber) to make a smoothie.  He happily drank a whole cup and his system tolerated it just fine.  

Fruit & Veggie Smoothie

I absolutely love sandwiches.  If I could choose two foods to live on for the rest of my life they would be sandwiches and salads.  They are my fav foods for sure.  For lunch, I didn't feel like cooking so I whipped up a turkey (no, I'm not completely vegetarian) sandwich with spinach, tomatoes, and lettuce.  For the spread I used Earth's Balance Soy Free Spread.  I chose not to give it to Zach because it's made with pea protein.  Zach's lunch was left over potato & zucchini mix from yesterday.  He loved it! I also threw in a little brown rice to the mix for him.  He ate it like a champ.  

Turkey & Spinach Sandwich

 Dinner was stir-fry with brown rice.  This one was a bit tricky because I didn't know what to season it with.  Soy sauce is obviously out and Bragg's Amino Acids are soy based as well.  So I ended up using canola oil and salt.  It tasted like vegetables and rice which isn't bad, but it definitely did not have the taste of stir-fry.  Zach gobbled it up which was a plus! Anyone know of  any good stir fry seasoning that isn't made with soy?


Stir-Fry with Brown Rice

Overall the day felt easy in regards to food preparation.  Having a plan definitely helps and blogging about it helps keep me accountable.  I'm excited about tomorrow and trying out a new recipe!


Be blessed!