In many ways, it was only a snapshot in time that could not capture the aspects of my journey that were yet to unfold. The five week period I covered in the post was truly the single worst period of time in my struggle with PPD. I wish I could say that the struggle ended there, sadly it did not. There were many bright days that followed, but many dark ones as well. Fortunately, the bad days never lasted for long periods of time but there were enough of them that I felt clouds over me for many, many months.
During these months, I realized for the first time that true depression is not something someone can "will" themselves out of. Sure, there are days when you can think more positively and feel better. But when the bad days come at you with unabated regularity, you start to lose mental ground. During a counseling session, my therapist asked me to describe how I was feeling. I remember telling her that I felt like I was out in open water flailing my arms, trying not to drown. There were days when I could keep my head above the water but the reality was that I was still surrounded by water. I knew that eventually I would get tired again and the struggle to stay afloat would need to start again.
Despite feeling like I was drowning a lot of the time, I started to make progress. Slowly, I started to gain ground. Just when I thought I was in the clear, my family was ravaged by death. In a matter of months, we lost three cousins, all young and with full lives ahead of them. My grandma also passed away. Although all the deaths were felt deeply, the death of my cousin Berenice was the most devastating to me. Loneliness, helplessness, and sadness overwhelmed me with renewed force. There were days when I was unable to see the purpose of life. Even now as I write, I am saddened by how sad I was during this time.
As I navigated through the trials of PPD and grief, I was diligent about going to therapy. My therapist helped me face myself honestly and gently. I cried at almost every session. I dealt with aspects of myself, I had neglected. I discovered things about myself, I didn't know existed. Over time, I noticed that I started going longer stretches without having a dark cloud over me. My thoughts became clearer. My perspective broader. The more I talked and cried, the less burdened I became. I started to feel free. Slowly I regained strength and confidence.
One of the most valuable truths I learned was that emotions have a sort of flow to them. They come, go, and don't have to be stationary. Bad days will come but they will also leave. I began to understand that my current emotional state doesn't have to define me. Emotions are meant to give me insight into my thought world. They help me understand what I believe about myself and others. I saw how talking helps to nudge emotions into motion again. It is in the silence of our inner world where emotions get stuck and cause us pain.
It's been about 9 months since the depression completely lifted. From start to finish, it lasted about 10 months. My main course of treatment was bi-weekly therapy sessions. Mostly because of pride, I chose not to take medication. Looking back, I think it's possible the depression may have abated sooner if I would have taken medication along with attending my therapy sessions. I did try making some lifestyle changes with my diet, sleep, and exercise routine. Unfortunately, I never felt I did it consistently enough for it to make a difference.
Experiencing PPD was incredibly difficult, but the journey I took to find healing has allowed me to live my life differently. I now take pause every day to thank God for the joy that I feel in my heart. I live more honestly about how I feel. I am free of the emotions that were holding me in bondage such as fear, guilt, and shame. I am more compassionate toward others and their emotional struggles. I am more present in relationships. I am better about taking care of myself without feeling guilty about it. The extent of blessing that has come from going into the dark places of my heart and finding healing is humbling. It is transforming my family in ways I only dreamed. I am deeply grateful that God uses all things for good, even depression.
If you are reading this post and are struggling with depression, take heart. You are not alone. The Lord is mindful of your heartache and has already made provision for your deliverance. Reach out to someone, preferably a trained counselor. As hard as it may seem to you, expose your pain. It is in facing your pain that you find freedom. There were moments in this journey where I felt my pain would undo me. The thought of sharing my hurt with another seemed unbearable. Every time I was courageous enough to expose the hurt, I became more and more free. You are stronger than your pain. You belong to a God who can lead you through dark valleys with tenderness, love, and abundant grace.
Blessings!
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