Last weekend, Mike and I attended a Weekend to Remember. It was nice to have a weekend where we focused on our marriage in a more intentional way. There were many special moments sprinkled throughout the three days, but my biggest takeaway happened as Mike and I were talking during a breakout session Saturday morning. In that conversation, I realized how much we both had grown and matured over the years. The issues that once had ignited heated discussions and arguments were now things we could talk about with commonness of heart. How did that happen? How does a marriage that once was filled with frustration and gaps in communication become one of understanding and fullness? As I thought about it, I recalled various turning points in our marriage throughout the years that shifted things just a little in the right direction. In trying to pin point the key to what made our marriage turn for the better, I came across a bit of a revelation which was partly triggered by one of the weekend speakers. What I realized was that it wasn't one big thing that changed the way we communicated but rather hundreds of decisions along the way to keep silent. Let me explain.
Early on in our marriage whenever we were having an argument, we both felt the need to say everything. It was like in that one conversation we wanted to capture all that we were feeling about so many issues. I know for me, I felt that if I didn't get my point across right then, it would never be heard. I believed that in one argument flaws of character could be changed and all things wrong could be made right. My expectations for disagreements were that they in and of themselves could resolve all problems quickly and effectively. So I didn't hold back, whatever came to my mind I would speak with the hope that once my disappointments were verbalized, they would find resolution. What I found though, was more frustration and more problems that needed solving.
I'm not sure when it started to happen but at some point in this ten year journey I started holding back and pacing myself. I realized that I could use discretion in deciding what to say and when to say it. Problems in marriage are not solved in one argument. They are resolved over time and after many conversations. Marriage will never be void of problems or things needing attention. So why not pace ourselves for the long haul? Just because I choose silence today does not mean that what I want to say will never be heard. It just means that right now is not the best time to mention that he didn't take the garbage out yet again. I have never regretted keeping silent. I have found that after the silence, I am better able to speak words of grace instead of judgement.
Marriage requires intentional and dedicated work no matter who you are with or how long you have been married. Practicing the "common sense" tips that characterize many a marriage seminar takes a courageous laying down of self. Sadly however, these seemingly obvious nuggets of wisdom are often dismissed because the solutions seem too easy. How can something as simple as waiting to say something until it's the right time change a conflict-filled marriage into one of peace? I'm learning that it's the simple things practiced over time that make a world of difference in marriage.
0 comments:
Post a Comment