Learning how to Breathe

A friend once told me that motherhood is a continual pouring, a calling to surrender 'self' for the sake of our children.  For me, great tension exists in the letting go.  There is a resistance, a desire to keep some of 'me' protected.  It is this tension, this guardedness, that brings me to my knees in search of release.


The conviction is always the same: If I am to parent in the way of love, I must surrender every last piece of myself.  I must let go of the 'me' I have created and embrace the 'me' that God wishes to reveal.

Recently, I came across a quote from a blog I follow:

"It’s always fear that brings tension — the tension that brings the pain. And then it’s the pain that makes us think that we can’t go on… So when the world contracts tight… breathe deep, and let it all come with no fear, no fear."

Who knew that raising children is very much the same work as birthing them? With each contraction there is a decision a mother must make.  Will she fear the rhythms of labor or will she embrace their power? Will she resist the pain or will she surrender to it?  Will she breathe or will she keep her breath within her?

As the days of parenting dawn with unabated regularity, I find myself reminding my weary heart to breathe.

           'Surrender to the moment and release the fear,' I whisper as I rock a crying babe. Breathe.

           'Listen to his heart as you gather his flailing arms in your embrace,' I tell myself as I scoop up my distraught three-year-old. Breathe.

As I breathe, I discover that there is peace on the other side of each breath.

I know that with each breath, I am slowly learning how to let go.  I am teaching my sinful heart to surrender to the unpredictability of being a parent. I am placing myself in the realms of holiness.  Parenting is the place where God is revealed in splendorous beauty.  It is the place where what we give is always overshadowed with what we receive.

Lord, fill me with your breath.  Remind me of your presence.  Help me to 'let go' and embrace the refining work you desire to do within me.  Thank you for the gift of two precious boys. 

The Way of Love

My almost three-year-old Matthew was determined to push the limits at every turn today.  I struggled from the moment he woke up until the early evening hours.  My challenge was in choosing the way of love.

There was a moment in the day when I went into his room to debrief after a time-out and tears came to my eyes as I talked to him about obedience and kindness.  How my heart wanted for him to choose obedience going forward, but I knew that ultimately it would be his decision.  As we both walked out of his room, I knew deep inside that I could not orchestrate a submissive heart within him.  He must choose it.

It's difficult to parent from a position of love instead of control.

Love is patient.  Love is kind. Love bears all things. Love endures all things.  It was hard to choose love today, but I was reminded that I must choose love if I am to minister to my child's heart.

At the end of the day, the Lord gave me a gift.  I had given Matthew a bath and he was ready to go to bed. He came running to me and climbed on my lap.  His big brown eyes stared at me and with the sweetest smile he said, "I LOVE YOU!" His little arms wrapped around me and my heart finally found a resting place.  We both settled into the embrace.  All the wrongs of the day were made right with a moment of love.

Thank you Lord for choosing love every time.  Help me to take in more of your love that I would be more able to pour it out over my children.  Oh, that they would receive patience, kindness, service, and delight from me. Amen.