Trust

Being patient requires such a surrender, a relinquishing of control to the unknown rhythms of time.  Trusting God to bring life into the world in His time almost seems counterintuitive in a world where inductions and interventions are freely available and encouraged.  I've wrestled with trusting this week, especially since my due date is a few days away.

 'What if nothing happens?'

'What can I do to speed things along?'

'What if I have to get induced?'

The questions and doubts crowd my mind.  Unsettling. Disturbing peace.  Breaking trust.

In my search for knowledge and the playing out of every possible scenario, I am grasping for control.  More of me. Less of God.

There is Spirit in all things.  In the Breath.  In the Life.  In the waiting.  I am reminded this week that even though it's normal to be anxious when you're 39 1/2 weeks pregnant, and no one will fault you for complaining.  I am not called to that.  I am called to trust and rest in His provision for me.  I am called to let go of control and bask in His perfect timing.

Lord Jesus, be my peace and anchor as I wait for this precious baby to come.  You hold time and days in Your hand.  Little Zach's days were set from the beginning.  You speak, and life springs forth.... from darkness into light.  May it be as you have ordained it.  Help me to trust you. Amen.

Growing in Grace

As I place a hand on my growing belly, I wonder when love and devotion rose up, enabling me to care for a being I have never seen or held.  Daily I make decisions to care for this child, to protect him from harm.  I am human.  I am a sinner, yet I love.  I love that which I have never seen.

Does God love me unconditionally?  Will He love me forever? I wonder this a lot.  In many ways this is my thorn.  The doubt.  The questions.  The uncertainty.  It is an endless cycle that is  always dependent on performance, never on grace.

As I prepare for the birth of my second son, there is a sense that I am birthing more than a new life.  There is a door that is waiting to open. A door that God has opened other times before and I have repeatedly chosen to close.   It is the door to Grace. When this door opens, there is something that breaks inside of me. I cry every time.  There is pain that comes when sin's grip loosens it's ugly hold and leaves me in a sacred space.   There is a flood of emotions and truth.

I am Undeserving.

     I am Exposed.

I am Loved.


           I am Vulnerable.


              I am chosen.

I am Seen.

I marvel at the fact that I can love that which I don't see, yet the biggest miracle of all is that the Divine loves that which He sees.  Nothing is hidden from His gaze. He sees it all and He chooses love every time.

I can picture myself looking at my baby's face for the first time, marveling at the innocence. I can almost feel the knot in my throat by the grace of it all.  My hope is that I will allow myself the indulgence of resting in the sacredness of His gift to me.  I pray that I will revel in the moment when my own mother heart unites with the heart of God in loving this child forever.  In the seen and unseen times of his life, may love always remain.

As I walk through the door of grace, Lord Jesus enable me to comprehend some of the depth and breath of Your love for me. May I see myself through Your eyes as I look into the eyes of my precious boys.  Oh, that your love would overwhelm my doubts and leave only the reality of your grace. Amen.