Giving birth is life changing. I knew early on during my pregnancy that the journey to birthing this particular child was going to change me somehow. I wasn't sure what was going to happen or what would change. There was just a sense that something would.
I know it goes without saying that motherhood changes all women. Every time we give birth, there is change. The tilling of the heart goes deeper with each new life we bring into the world.
Going into this birth, I wanted to embrace the "tilling" work God wanted to do in my heart. I wanted to be present and feel the rocky places within me start to crumble away. I was frightened in many ways because I wasn't sure what the Lord wanted to give me.
My first birth experience ended with an emergency c-section ( I had a placental abruption while pushing). At the time, I don't remember being disappointed or wishing things had gone different. I was just happy that everything turned out okay. I had a healthy baby boy. When I found out I was pregnant with my second, I assumed that I would have to schedule another c-section. I prepared to talk about it with my doctor at my first appointment.
Before I met with my doctor, I happened to have a conversation with a woman who had a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) delivery with her second pregnancy. When I first heard her story, I remember thinking that she was somehow irresponsible for putting herself and her baby at risk for something catastrophic to happen.
Out of curiosity, I went home and did some research on VBAC's. I was shocked to find out how small the risk really was for uterine rupture (the main concern when it comes to VBAC's). For the next several weeks, I read everything I could find on VBAC's. I wanted to know the risks. I wanted to know why some women were successful while others were not. I wanted to know the risks involved with a repeat c-section vs. a trial of labor (VBAC). I wanted to hear other women's experiences and learn from their stories.
After looking at all the evidence, I decided that I would find a doctor who did VBAC's and talk with him about my chances of having a successful vaginal delivery. The hospital where I live did not allow VBAC's so I decided to find a hospital that allowed them. Lucky for me, I found a hospital about 30 minutes away.
At my first appointment, I discussed my desire to have a VBAC birth. My doctor told me that I was probably a good candidate for one ( I went into labor spontaneously with my first and reached full dilation) but there were still risks involved. He continued to tell me that if this was my last birth, a repeat c-section was probably the safest route to take.
I left the appointment a bit conflicted. Was I being irresponsible for wanting to avoid another c-section? Is any risk worth taking when it comes to the safety of your baby? I decided to continue researching before making a final decision. The more I researched, the more I discovered that if I wanted a successful VBAC, I would have to be very proactive in making a solid plan. These are the things I found, I needed to have in place:
1) have an OB or Midwife that was an avid supporter of VBAC's and was willing to treat them like any other birth.
2) have a Doula present at the birth
3) deliver at a hospital with low c-section rates (birth centers and home births have better outcomes with VBAC's but I wasn't comfortable going that route).
4) avoid induction
5) avoid an epidural
6) have a healthy pregnancy
(Here's a copy of the
Birth Plan I put together)
Armed with a plan, I decided to move forward and make it happen. I searched for a
doula and found one that I loved. There was something about her that just clicked for me. Before meeting her, I was browsing through her web page and I came across a picture of her with her kids that immediately made me tear up. In that moment, I knew she was the one.
After meeting her and talking with her about my birth desires, she suggested an OB that was a great supporter of VBAC's and natural birth. This of course meant that I would have to change doctors and hospitals. I looked up the new hospitals c-section rates and found that they were much lower than the hospital where I was currently planning to deliver. I called the new doctor's office and after the doctor personally called me back to find out more of my story, I was sold. Having him as my OB was going to be a bit of a sacrifice as his office was almost an hour from where I lived. I decided it was worth it.
My pregnancy progressed uneventfully until about 29 1/2 weeks when I started showing signs of pre-term labor. After some tests and many contractions later, I was put on bed rest for several weeks. During that time, I had lots of time to think and pray. I was reassured that everything would turn out according to God's plan. I was called to trust and wait for the Lord to provide for me. Little did I know then, how perfect is His timing.
As my due date was approaching, I started to worry that I wouldn't go into labor on my own and I would have to be induced. So I decided to schedule an appointment with my
massage therapist for an acupressure session to help bring on labor. I saw Amy throughout my pregnancy for massages and really grew to appreciate the gifts God's given her. She is a Christian and would often pray over me during massage sessions. God is so faithful in His provision. On this particular day, as she was doing her thing, she looked at me and said, "I hate to tell you this but I have never been successful at bringing on labor with any of my pregnant clients." I laughed and said, "Well, maybe I'll be your first!" That night, minutes before midnight, labor started welcoming in a new day......August 26th, my due date.
Contractions came on strong from the very beginning. There was no build up. I started timing them and they were about 5-6 minutes apart. I decided to take a bath and see if they would continue. After about an hour, I told my husband that I was pretty sure this was labor. It took about another half hour to get things together before we left to the hospital. During the hour drive, I listened to my birthing relaxation playlist I had put together. Throughout my pregnancy I was very diligent about practicing relaxation techniques. Having these skills definitely helped me work through the intense contractions on the way to hospital (they felt as strong as when I had gotten an epidural with my first birth at 7 cm.) I must have been relaxing pretty well because Mike thought I was sleeping!
When we got to the hospital and they checked me, I was only 4-5 cm. I turned to Mike and said, "That's it?! I can't do this! I need an epidural!" Mike looked at me with bewilderment and uncertainty. He knew our birth plan and an epidural this early on was not a part of it. "Let's wait for Sarah (our doula) and you can decide then," he said. Luckily, Sarah showed up a few minutes later.
It's hard to explain how someone's presence can change the mood and energy in the room. As Sarah came over to me, there was a confidence about her that reassured me that I was going to do this. She quickly suggested trying different positions to help speed things along. I labored mostly standing up or kneeling on the bed. There were times when I would sit down because the contractions didn't feel as intense it that position but Sarah would gently tell me that it was the intense ones that would progress things more quickly. I managed to sneak a few not-so-intense ones in anyway :) With every contraction, regardless of the position I chose, both Sarah and Mike were there to support me through by holding me, giving me water, or encouraging me to eat something.
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| One of the various positions I tried during labor. I'm six hours in at this point. |
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| Working through a contraction. I think I was about 8-9cm dilated. |
In the background, I could hear the worship music playing from my Ipod. This helped me to focus on something other than the discomfort. I remember thinking about sin and the pain that comes from it. I remember thinking about Jesus and His gift to us on the cross to relieve our pain and suffering. I remember feeling grateful.
I don't remember how far along I was, maybe 8 cm, when I asked Sarah and Mike to pray for me. Mike started to pray. I don't know what all he said but it touched me. After he was done, I started to sob. I wasn't crying because I was in pain. I was overwhelmed with the reality of His faithfulness to me. His grace washed over me in a rush and it broke my heart. I looked at Sarah and Mike and said, "He is so faithful!"
The doctor broke my water at around 8.5 cm. This progressed things more quickly. I was soon at 9 cm, then 9.5cm. This is where things got very intense! My labor stalled for about 3 hours at this stage. It's hard to describe the power of contractions when you're almost at complete dilation. There is an uncontrollable pushing sensation that you can't hold back even if you try. Kinda scary at first!
The nurse suggested we try pushing for a bit to see if that last little lip of cervix would give way. It didn't. I was really struggling to stay focused. I was very tired. I had labored for about 10 hours at this point. I looked at Sarah and told her I didn't think I could do this any more. I needed some relief. She tried to reassure me that I was very close and that I could do it. I wanted to believe her but my body was telling me otherwise. I knew that I had made it far enough that an epidural would probably not stall things enough where I would have to have a c-section (when I had an epidural with my first birth, my labor had stalled significantly). I tried to communicate to my "birthing team" that my ultimate goal was not to have a natural birth but rather to have a successful VBAC. At some point, I remember saying, "God isn't against epidurals!" Both Sarah and Mike just looked at me and I could tell they weren't going to be the ones that were going to encourage me in the epidural route so I turned to the nurse.
"I need help! Can I get an epidural?" I asked. The nurse said I could but that I was so close, it may not make a difference. She told me that it would take at least 10 minutes for the anesthesiologist to come in and if I could labor for those 10 minutes she would check me again. If I was complete then we would just have the baby. If not, then we could revisit the whole epidural thing. I agreed.
After the 10 minutes were up, she checked me. I remember praying that I wouldn't be complete so that I could get the epidural. The nurse looked at me and said that I was 9.75 cm but there was still a tiny lip of cervix there. That was probably the best news I heard all day! Bring on the epidural! By the time I got it put it, I was already fully dilated. Although it provided some relief, it was not all I had hoped for. I remember asking if I could get a higher dose and I was told a very firm "No."
The doctor checked me and confirmed that I was fully dilated and was ready to push. Before I started pushing, the doctor decided to check the position of the baby. Throughout labor I had pretty intense back pain. Sarah suspected the baby might be posterior. When the doctor checked, he confirmed that the baby was in fact posterior. He then decided to manually turn the baby. As he was doing it, I remember thinking how thankful I was that I decided to have an epidural. Even though I still felt much of the discomfort, it was bearable. I can't imagine what it would have felt like with no numbing effect.
I pushed for about an hour and sometime during that hour we lost the baby's heart beat. I don't remember being overly concerned because I just knew things were going to work out. The doctor on the other hand was looking a bit concerned. They decided to have me get on my hands and knees to see if they could find the heart beat again. The nurses started rubbing my stomach and thankfully the heart beat came back.
At 11:26am, little Zachari Noah was born. It was a pretty incredible feeling to have a living soul come out of my very own body. I was able to hold him for awhile and even cut the cord. It was truly an amazing experience. In the moments following the birth I remember feeling triumphant. I had put a plan in place and with the help of many wonderful people, it was implemented, and carried to completion. Being the goal oriented, planner person that I am, this was incredibly rewarding.
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| So glad Zach is here! |
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| Tired but happy :) |
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| Mike holding Zach for the first time. |
There are several things that I learned during this birth...four gifts that I received.
1)
The Gift of Community: the hard things of life are not meant to be done alone. We need others to support us and push us to new limits. We need to know that other people believe in us. Others are sometimes better able to see things in ourselves that we cannot. This birth taught me how to ask for and receive help.
2)
The Gift of Living in the Moment: Life is meant to be experienced in present moments. Living in the past and future can lead to disappointment, restlessness, and fear. If I would have known that I would labor for 11 1/2 hours at the beginning, I would have given up much earlier. Taking one contraction at a time made the whole experience bearable and even enjoyable at times.
3)
The G
ift of Strength: There is strength hidden within each of us that we are not tapping into because we don't place ourselves in situations that require more strength. This experience showed me how strong I really am. I learned that I don't have to limit myself to situations that feel comfortable but that I can venture out into the unknown and challenge myself to reach new heights.
4)
The Gift of Grace: God is gracious. He wants to give us good things. Pregnancy for me has been a mixture of much joy and great pain. Two miscarriages and two births have shown me that God's grace extends far into the darkness and brings forth light. Every time.
Thank you Lord, for your presence. This experience was bathed in your grace. You are the source of my strength and the supplier of every good thing. Praise be to you Almighty God for your provision and kindness toward me. Bless those who were a part of this experience with me. Thank you for bringing them into my life and using them to help me see you more clearly. Amen.
