A Three-Year-Old's Version of Grace

Today was a tough day for me.  To put it simply, I harbored a bad attitude most of the day.  I was distracted, half played with my boys, and didn't get a shower in until three this afternoon.  Have you ever had those days when nothing clicks?  When you know your thinking stinks, but you don't have the energy to switch mental gears?  I find those days make it difficult for me to feel God's presence.  All the negativity blocks out the beauty around me and my focus turns inward.

At the end of the day, I was sitting at the computer trying to figure out what to blog about and realized I had very little to say.  Since I had spent the day focused on all the aspects of my life that seemed bad, I failed to catch even the slightest glimpse of God. As I sat there wallowing (again!) over my computer, something happened.  My three year old came over to me and said:

"Mommy, put your computer down and come sit next to me. 
 I saved a spot just for you."  

I went over to him and sat.  We shared a few sweet moments and then it was time for him to go to bed. As I was walking him over to his room, I noticed that earlier in the evening, he had placed his shoes right next to mine.

It was in that moment when I caught a glimpse of God.  My sweet son only received pieces of me today.  I certainly did not earn any gold mom stars, by any means. But he still wanted me close.
                                                                      This is grace.

God saves a special spot for us.  It doesn't matter if we are having a bad day or if we have ignored Him for days.  He desires closeness.  He wants to make Himself known.  I am humbled yet again at God's redemptive work in my life.  The depth of grace healed yet another piece of my heart today.

Thank you Lord, for showing up and helping me see how much you desire a close relationship with me.  I am grateful for your forgiveness. I thank you for speaking grace through Matthew today.  Bless his little heart.  I pray he would one day experience the depth of you.  Fill the gaps I leave in the wake of my parenting.  May my words and actions toward my children always breath life into them.  Amen. 

A Special Gift

She walked up to the door unassuming, ready to give of herself to me.  That morning she purposed in her heart to come and serve.  Heaven had called her on assignment for me and she responded.

"I know how hard it can be with a newborn so I have come to spend the day with you.  I am here to do whatever you need so you can get some rest," she said gently.

Had she heard my tired tears from the day before?  Did my weary heart somehow connect with hers even though I had never spoken with her before?

"I pray about everything.  I am a firm believer in bringing all things before Him, " she said.

The grace of heaven continues to pour out on my behalf.  A tired momma is important in the heavenly realms.  My heart breaks at the kindness of it all.

The gift of community is deep and life changing.  Receiving help from another refreshes the soul.  Why was I so reluctant to ask and receive before?  Self sufficiency keeps the heart at a distance.  It is a lonely place to live.  I want to live in community and bask in the blessing of the giving and receiving.

Thank you Lord for being attentive to my needs.  Pour forth blessing over the woman you sent to serve me today.  Your grace continues to overwhelm.  I slowly find myself unraveling before you wanting to receive more of You.  I am undeserving but your grace covers me!  Praise be to you Lord Jesus. 

Growing in Grace

As I place a hand on my growing belly, I wonder when love and devotion rose up, enabling me to care for a being I have never seen or held.  Daily I make decisions to care for this child, to protect him from harm.  I am human.  I am a sinner, yet I love.  I love that which I have never seen.

Does God love me unconditionally?  Will He love me forever? I wonder this a lot.  In many ways this is my thorn.  The doubt.  The questions.  The uncertainty.  It is an endless cycle that is  always dependent on performance, never on grace.

As I prepare for the birth of my second son, there is a sense that I am birthing more than a new life.  There is a door that is waiting to open. A door that God has opened other times before and I have repeatedly chosen to close.   It is the door to Grace. When this door opens, there is something that breaks inside of me. I cry every time.  There is pain that comes when sin's grip loosens it's ugly hold and leaves me in a sacred space.   There is a flood of emotions and truth.

I am Undeserving.

     I am Exposed.

I am Loved.


           I am Vulnerable.


              I am chosen.

I am Seen.

I marvel at the fact that I can love that which I don't see, yet the biggest miracle of all is that the Divine loves that which He sees.  Nothing is hidden from His gaze. He sees it all and He chooses love every time.

I can picture myself looking at my baby's face for the first time, marveling at the innocence. I can almost feel the knot in my throat by the grace of it all.  My hope is that I will allow myself the indulgence of resting in the sacredness of His gift to me.  I pray that I will revel in the moment when my own mother heart unites with the heart of God in loving this child forever.  In the seen and unseen times of his life, may love always remain.

As I walk through the door of grace, Lord Jesus enable me to comprehend some of the depth and breath of Your love for me. May I see myself through Your eyes as I look into the eyes of my precious boys.  Oh, that your love would overwhelm my doubts and leave only the reality of your grace. Amen.